So dissappointed...

Even as I begin to write this, I am struggling with the motivation to complete it. I am angry, frustrated and most of all, tired of the fight. The fight for my health, the fight for a breakthrough in finances and the fight for security. Ultimately, I know everything is going to work out because God is in control, but as I am walking through this I find myself growing weary; as much as I want to solely depend on God, I can't help but find myself trying to control circumstances and outcomes and then becoming frustrated when things don't work out the that way I want them to.
I'm not blogging as much these days because my fatigue is getting the best of me, in addition, when I am emotionally down, it is difficult to motivate myself to write.
I guess I should explain what has set this off...I went to the doctor today for my follow up complete w/ labs. Bottom line: they were worse. My EBV levels were elevated and even after all of these treatments! I have poured so much money into them and I have yet to see any benefit (except that on my drive to Las Cruces, I have my talk radio time). It feels like a waste of time and money, neither of which I can get back. My doctor told me that in addition to the treatments, in order to reduce the levels, I have to reduce my stress levels. How? When I asked this question, his answer was "Have you tried hypnotherapy? or how about yoga or Tai Chi?" and "maybe you should put the kids in daycare full time." Let's be clear...I did not have children so that I could put them in daycare when I am not working. If you follow my blog at all you know that my heart's desire is to be home with my kids full time. Although I love my job, I am working because I have to and when I am not at work, I want to be with my kids...why on earth would I drop them off at daycare when I can spend the day with them? The reason my doctor suggested this is because part of my stress is the need to find somebody to watch the kids when I go get my treatments or my "hypnotherapy" (hahaha!). I have no idea how to reduce my stress at this point. First off, I have a Type A personality and I am really not doing anything extra. Other than work, treatment and my children, I don't have outside commitments right now.
So, the question is this...do I continue treatment for a little while longer or give it up and put my money someplace else (like student loans or the credit card) and just accept that I will most likely live with my body until the Lord gives me a new one? I have some decisions to make.
This post is only an update, not a request for advice...trust me, I have tried it all.

My Normal

I have been battling Epstein Barre for the last 16 years, however I didn't actually get a diagnosis until April of this year. I had been to Mayo Clinic, I saw a naturopath for 3 years, I went to a Chinese Medicine doctor and to a Chiropractor without so much as even a bogus diagnosis. My case was perplexing to all. Finally, my mom suggested that I go see Dr. Berkson in Las Cruces and now that I live in El Paso, getting to his office isn't a big deal. He diagnosed me with a short interview and a series of blood tests. I was so relived to have a diagnosis even if he couldn't help me, but not only did I get a diagnosis, but he is certain he can bring my EBV levels down to normal. I live tired. I have lived tired and with pain for so many years and as the years have gone on, my symptoms have become worse. My body does not function normally. I travel to Las Cruces for  IV treatments on the 2 days a week that I am off of work. He has me on Alpha Lipoic Acid drips. I have been doing this for about 3 months now and honestly I don't feel any different. I will have my blood work redrawn in a couple of weeks and the results should be telling. I am hoping that my treatment is working on the underlying cause and that my symptoms just have not caught up with the healing yet. When I got back from my treatment yesterday, we thought it would be nice to do something fun with the kids. Originally we were going to take them to my mom's house to swim, but the pool was out of commission for the day. Instead, we filled the kiddie blow up pool in the backyard and they had a blast playing. I enjoyed watching them, but felt so drained of energy. There is a spirit inside of me that is so full of life and that loves adventure and activity, but my body just can't keep up. I would like for just one day to wake up and feel normal...to wake up and feel up to the active lifestyle my personality is cut out for. Until I was told that there was a reason for my being so tired, I thought it was normal. I thought everybody felt the way I do and I would find myself amazed when friends would tell me that they have a life after their work day. It takes everything in me to get home, feed and bathe the kids and get them to bed....I believe that it is God who sustains me and that it is because of Him that I can function with a smile (and sometimes just function) at work, home and whenever we are out and about. That being said, I am ready for my body to feel normal again!

(Luca terrorizing his sister, as usual)

Father's Day 2011

Sorry I am posting a day late, but Alessandro held the computer hostage last night doing his schoolwork...but here goes!


Up until Hailey was 12 years old, she grew up without a father. Her dad was not in the picture because of personal challenges he couldn't overcome at the time and I was single. I always worried how it would affect her as she got older...not having a dad around during such formative years. Thankfully God provided our family with Alessandro who stepped in as her dad quickly and wholeheartedly. With her being 12, it wasn't an easy transition and he was met with a lot of resistance from her. It was uncomfortable for her and for him to show affection, afterall, she was just entering adolesence. From an early age up until Alessandro and I met, she had other men like my dad and others from our church who loved her and who were Godly examples of what a husband and a father should be. She has been protected and is a very healthy, well adjusted young woman and my husband has set a standard for her of how she should be treated by men, more specifically her future boyfriends and husband. Hailey is currently on vacation in Indiana, so she wasn't with us this year...boy do I miss her!
I look at my other 2 children, Luca and Nora and am so thankful that they have their dad around with full confidence that he isn't going anywhere by choice. Children should not be fatherless. It is tragic. I am motivated to reach out to children whose mothers and fathers are not around or maybe they are, but those children feel neglected. I am convicted to love on them and open my home to them as best that I can. Whether that means lend an ear, have them over for dinner, buy them some clothes or just take them out for ice cream. It is even more important for men to step in and father the fatherless. If you are a man, and know of a child without the presence of his dad, be that male role model for him. If you are reading this and you didn't have a dad in your life or maybe the memories you have of your dad aren't pleasant, I imagine that Father's Day must be difficult emotionally. Remember that your Heavenly Father will never leave you or forsake you.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there, but especially to my dad and my husband!

Hair Cuts

I took both kids to get hair cuts today (Nora's first one) and decided to go a little shorter than I ever have with Luca. This way I won't have to take him back for a long while!

Father's Day post tomorrow!

Too much change to handle at once!

Just returned from visiting family in St. Louis and it was such a refreshing time that I was able to collect myself after all this past year has brought to my life and start blogging again. Oh, I know I say this everytime I disappear, but I have missed blogging so much!

I am going to start light and I will go into the more lofty topics as the weeks go on .
First things first, we relocated to El Paso, TX in December 2010 (more of which I will get into later because it is one of the more lofty topics...) and we experienced some seriously irritating weather. What started out as novel snowfall, ended up in frozen, busted water lines, electricity blackouts and the cancellation of school for several days...the finale being that our entire household got sick (with the exception of Hailey who is rarely home, so escapes the germ exposure).
This was followed by my search for a J-O-B, which if you know me at all, you know that my dream job is to be home with my kids (although being a stay at home mom is not much fun if you are stuck in the house with the kids 24/7). Unfortunately, in order to pay for some medical expenses not covered by insurance, I am working part time, which seems easy, but it feels like I am working more than part time, most of the time...and the juggle, well, that's another blog post altogether. The good news is that in my other world of nursing, I did get my dream nursing job. I deal with people who voluntarily come to see me and I get to make them happy. :)
Let's just say that my life is not exactly how I thought it would turn out at my age. I have a multitude of personal challenges during this period of my life, yet I have so much to be thankful for. There are times when I let myself get down because of what seems to be the uphill battle we (my husband and I) have been fighting, yet I find myself smiling daily because of how I have been blessed with my children and my man! I know God is in control and sovereign, but let's get real...life has challenges and problems and right now, my life is hard. Details to come...

A Haircut...finally!

If you have seen any recent pictures of Luca, you know how long his hair was. I knew I needed to cut it, but couldn't bring myself to do it! My dad kept threatening to buzz his hair, to which I would respond..."go ahead!" Not that I really wanted Luca to get a buzz cut, but it wasn't his first haircut and fortunately, hair grows back.

Last week, Nora and I left town to visit my friend Kelly and her new baby girl. Luca stayed with his daddy for some good bonding time for a couple of days. Alessandro had a meeting so he asked my dad if he could drop Luca off for an hour and a half. My dad, of course, said yes and at that time, took the opportunity to make good on his word. That's right! I came home to an older looking Luca with much shorter hair. They had to have cut at least 5 inches off! Thank heavens my dad didn't buzz cut his hair, but he took him to a salon and had it professionally cut. It actually looks great! Thanks dad! One less thing for me to do!

A note about the trip: Nora and I had a great time...just the girls. She was so easy going I almost forgot she was there! I loved getting to see Kelly and was so sad to leave her. Preslie is gorgeous and Carsten and Hudson are so big! The only bad thing I can say about the visit is that is was way too short!

Where do they get this stuff?

Sometimes my kids say things and I am clueless as to where they heard it in the first place. Luca, especially, is like a parrot these days. He repeats everything and takes everything in.
We had to go to a funeral the other day and as we were sitting quietly in the pew, my 3 year old taps my leg and whispers "Mom, rub my back!" It was pretty cute, so I cracked a smile and started rubbing. I couldn't quite figure out how he even knew about back rubs! Radio, television, where??? I am about 98% sure he didn't hear it from me...I am not a back-rub kind of person. Don't get me wrong...I love getting massages, I just don't like giving back rubs.

This whole scenario, along with other words and comments he has been making, made me reflect on what exactly I am allowing his innocent ears to hear. What is on the radio when my kids are in the car with me? What is on television? What conversations are they present for? What terminology am I using? Our home gets even more complicated with a teenager's vocabulary in the house. Hailey's language is innocent, but she uses some slang words that I would rather my toddler not use.  Taking it a step further, I begin to evaluate what attitudes am I demonstrating to my children in everyday life as everyday situations present themselves. Am I dramatic? Is my voice raised? Am I rude or do I treat others with love and respect? Am I joyful or negative? It is a lot of pressure to be a parent...our children will react the same way they see their parents react.
I know there is so much in society that we can't prevent our children from being exposed to, but I also know that I have to take responsibility for those areas in which I do have control over.
Self reflection isn't a bad thing if the end result yields a better you!